The Relationship Isn’t (Always) the Problem

Something I've been thinking about lately is how often we assume something is wrong with a relationship when, sometimes, what actually needs examining is the expectation we're measuring it against.

I've had to look at this A LOT in my own relationships.

There have been moments where I've felt disappointed or anxious because a relationship wasn't unfolding the way I thought it should.

Maybe:

• A friendship wasn't as close as I wanted it to be.
• Someone didn't communicate or show care in the way I naturally would.
• Bryan and I had a difference that some part of me believed we shouldn't have if we were truly aligned.

And I've had to learn to pause and ask myself … Is there actually something wrong here? Or is this relationship simply different from the version I imagined?

That question has humbled me many times. :)

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We all carry ideas about what relationships are supposed to look and feel like:

• Good couples should want to spend most of their time together.
• Close friends should talk all the time.
• If someone really loves me, they should know what I need.
• Healthy relationships shouldn't feel this hard.
• If we're compatible, we shouldn't have this much conflict.

But... says who?

Our expectations don't develop in a vacuum.

They come from:

• Our families
• Our cultures
• Our attachment histories
• Past relationships
• Social media
• The relationship models we've absorbed along the way

And sometimes we end up measuring a perfectly healthy relationship against a blueprint we never CONSCIOUSLY chose.

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One of the biggest things I've had to learn in my own relationships—and something I help my clients untangle all the time—is the difference between:

• A genuine core value
• A legitimate relational need
• A preference
• An old wound that's been activated
• An expectation about what love "should" look like

Because when you're in the thick of it, these things can FEEL exactly the same!!!

There are certain values I hold very firmly today:

• Reciprocity.
• Honesty.
• Consideration.
• The ability to have difficult conversations.

But sharing core values doesn't mean we need to be the same people.

I actually think we forget how valuable complementariness can be in relationships.

Bryan and I are different in plenty of ways.
My friends and I are different in plenty of ways.

And thank goodness for that.

Someone we love might:

• Need more space than we do.
• Communicate differently.
• Have strengths we don't have.
• Experience the exact same situation completely differently than we do.
• Help us see beyond ourselves.

We're allowed to be different from the people we love.

In fact, if we were exactly the same ... HOW BORING. :)

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One of my favorite quotes I've written over the years is:

I still come back to this one all the time.

Because sometimes we really do have to grieve the version of someone we hoped they would be in order to discover how they're actually loving us.

And I want to be really clear here.

Grieving an expectation doesn't mean:

• Abandoning our standards.
• Convincing ourselves we don't have needs.
• Staying in relationships that aren't reciprocal.
• Ignoring a lack of alignment around our core values.

Sometimes seeing someone clearly means realizing that they genuinely cannot meet us in a way that's important to us.

But sometimes ...

We realize that love is there.
It just might not look exactly like the version we imagined.

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So maybe the question isn't always:
"What's wrong with this relationship?"

Maybe it's:
"What am I expecting this relationship to be … and where did I learn that?"

And then we can get curious:

• Is there a need I need to communicate?
• Is there a boundary that needs to be honored?
• Is this a core value that we simply don't share?
• Is an old wound shaping how I'm experiencing this?
• Or am I asking this person to love me in the exact way I would love them?

Sometimes something genuinely needs to change. Other times, we're asking a perfectly good relationship to conform to an expectation we never consciously chose.

And learning to tell the difference?
That's some of the realest and dopest work of relationships.

With warmth,
Silvy