It’s so easy for things to spin out of control during an argument.

It’s so easy to become fixated on being right.

It’s so easy to say and do things that brings forth the very disconnection that we fear the most.

Our brains are extremely patterned.

And when we become highly triggered, our internal alarm bells go off and alert us to either fight, flee, or freeze.

One of the best tools we can use when we start to become flooded is to speak words that can slightly soften our own intensity.

If we’ve become too flooded, then we might need to take a short break and come back to doing this.

But if we can catch ourselves right before we have hit our limit, then we can use certain phrases to greatly reduce the level of stress in ourselves, and in our partner.

We can soften conflict by including a tiny bit of vulnerability in our approach.

Sharing a part of our thought process “out loud” can be extremely disarming for our partner.

“Hmmm. I don’t really know if I’m actually right about this.”

“I’ve approached you in this way before and it hasn’t really worked so well.”

“I really don’t want to admit that you’re actually a little right about this.”

“I’m really mad at myself for how I just approached you.”

One of the most helpful things I have learned to say to my partner when I feel hurt during an argument is “I don’t really know if you can actually help me with this.”

In a strange way, saying that frees both of us from having to immediately do something.
It puts a break on having to come up with a solution.

It give me the space to let go of the control or “answer” I desperately long for in those moments.

It gives us time to re-connect and feel into where we both actually are.

Something powerful happens when we can reveal our inner process to our partner.

Something powerful happens when we can observe our own thoughts objectively and slightly detach from them.

Something powerful happens when we are willing to show the very parts that we usually hide and keep for only ourselves.

Are there any words or phrases that you use to make yourself feel safe again during an argument?

With love,


Silvy Khoucasian

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