CREATING HEALTHY EXPECTATIONS

We all come into relationships with a set of (unhealthy) expectations.

Some of it comes from our family, some of it comes from our culture, some of it comes from watching glamorized movies and Disney cartoons.

But ultimately, it’s up to us to do the work of questioning our expectations to make sure we aren’t setting our partner up to fail.

I’ll never forget when my therapist of 3 years looked at me dead in the eye and told me exactly that.

She said .. “Silvy, I think you may have unrealistic expectations for a partner.”

Danggggg .. that shit knocked me right off my rocker!

I was pissed that I had to let go of my delusional dream of having my knight and shining armor come down and scoop me up every time I had an emotional meltdown.

But I was also surprisingly relieved.

In a strange way, that moment freed me.

I felt like I was able to slowly peel the foggy lens off and see people more clearly.

Besides .. as a self-identified avoidantly attached person .. having unhealthy expectations of others was a way for me to keep distance.

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Being able to unwind and clarify what was healthy to experience in a relationship gave me the opportunity to come back home to myself.

It made me bring the focus back to (me) which felt so much more fulfilling.

It helped me to accept my flaws more genuinely.

It allowed me to better tolerate the difficult emotions in other people because I finally got that it was simply a mirror of the emotions I was terrified of feeling in myself.

Some expectations we want to hold on to .. like our right to be treated kindly and with respect.

Like our right to depend on our partner in times of need.

Like our right to be celebrated when we accomplish our dreams and have our hurts held with compassion.

Others, we need to put to rest if we want to cultivate a healthy love.

Like our over-dependency on our partner for all of our emotional needs.

Like our expectation to be comforted no matter how badly we approach our partner.

And especially our desire for our partner to do things in the same exact way that we do.

Where do you tend to have unrealistic expectations?

What do you do to manage them?

With love,

Silvy



Silvy Khoucasian

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