I wanted to reintroduce this chart for those of you who are new to my work.
The Attachment Styles is the core framework that my work extends from.
The theory was created by the joint work of John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth.
Essentially, the attachment styles developed based on how we were emotionally responded to and comforted by our primary caregivers as a child.
Some research also shows that our first romantic relationship can greatly impact our feelings of safety and trust in our later adult relationships.
As you look through the 4 attachment styles on the chart below, I invite you to think of them more on a spectrum.
We can be mostly secure and still have some anxious or avoidant tendencies.
We can be mostly anxious and still have some areas where we feel very secure.
Our attachment style is absolutely influenced and affected by our choice in partner.
If we are in a relationship with someone who is not willing to comfort us in our times of deep distress, we will naturally feel more anxious and clingy.
If we are in a relationship with someone who comes to us for all of their emotional needs, we may feel more avoidant.
The key to having the knowledge of the attachment styles work in our favor is by bringing a deep awareness to them.
It’s also by choosing to call ourselves out when we act in ways that pushes our partner away or dismisses their valid needs.
We are wired for (healthy) dependency.
This is not the same as co-dependency.
We are wired to turn to someone we love in moments of distress so that we can feel more regulated.
This repeated act of receiving comfort actually helps us develop a healthy internal regulating system so that we can then regulate ourselves.
A lot of people think that this co-dependency .. but it is not.
Some people are already partnered up with someone who is actually (regulating them) without their awareness .. and so they don’t understand.
It‘s even harder to understand this need to depend in healthy ways because it so counterintuitive to what we are often taught.
What comes up for you as you look at the chart?
Has your attachment style changed at all over time?
In what ways can you begin to express your needs in order to help you move towards a more secure attachment with those you love?