It’s hard to admit that often the very quality that attracts us most to our partner is also the biggest source of conflict.

The very thing we love most can also make us feel deeply insecure.

If we are more introverted, we may choose a wildly expressed partner.

If we are an extroverted person, we may admire the reserved and quiet nature of an introvert.


After the honeymoon phase, we can often find ourselves judging the very part of our partner that drew us to them.


We find ourselves wanting them to be more … like us.

And this can feel very confusing and disorienting.

Rather than feeling our own insecurity ...

... that is often being triggered ... we blame our partner instead.

Blaming is (always) the safer alternative.

How can we be so deeply drawn to a person at first and then find ourselves feeling so overwhelmed?

How do we understand and move through the judgment that we feel without directing them towards our partner?


Judgment towards our partner is simply (shame about ourselves) being directed towards our partner - as Jodi Rowe so beautifully and perfectly articulated.

Our judgment is pointing to a much deeper truth about ourselves … but we have to be willing to find it.

Please read that again.

Read it ... to free yourself from the guilt you feel when you judge your partner.

Read it ... to look deeper and understand where it triggers your own shame.

Read it ... to realize that it has NOTHING to do with your partner at all.

We can’t stay in criticism and judgment towards our partner and expect our partner to feel good.

We can take some time to reflect when we do judge and look into what it’s triggering in us.

"I’m realizing I have been judging you when you are really social because I have shame that I can’t be that way.”

"I feel triggered when you spend time alone because I’m realizing how hard it is for me to say no to people and take care of myself … I’m so sorry that I directed it at you.”

We need to communicate that part to our partner.

We can’t SKIP it.


We can’t skip owning what’s ours and freeing both ourselves and our partner from the shackles that judgment and criticism bring into a relationship.


We can lean into the initially confusing mirror that judgment offers us...  and witness ourselves transformed ... 

... with the simple, yet intensely difficult act of taking the focus off of our partner ... and bringing it back to ourselves.

Silvy Khoucasian

Subscribe for more blogs ... and finally make love better!

* indicates required