Neither more transparency or more privacy is the ultimate truth. 

But learning to tolerate space is just as important as learning to be transparent.

Even people with the (most seemingly transparent) lives still have parts they keep for themselves and their loved ones.

Don’t be fooled by social media. 

Don’t be fooled in thinking that being open and authentic with everyone is healthy.

If we grew up in an anxiety-filled home or if we’ve had a parent that violated our boundaries, we may really struggle with oversharing with people too soon.

We’re ultimately pleading, 

“Here is everything about me. I just told you everything. I didn’t do anything wrong … don’t you see?”


It’s a way of protecting ourselves, strangely.


But it robs us of having a container in which to pick and chose what we are ready to share.

It robs us of honoring the processing time that we NEED (to understand ourselves) before we offer that understanding to someone else. 

It robs us of being attuned and present with other people’s comfort level in our intimate relationships.

And then we may take it a step further when we hurt someone and justify it with …

“Hey, I was just being authentic!”

Authenticity without tact or mindfulness of how we are approaching our partners sensitivities can be extremely cruel.

And just the same ... when we’ve had our boundaries violated, we may shrink up and stay (too internal).

We may feel too afraid to share anything about ourselves even when we are sitting across a very safe person. 

We may not know how to share without dis-regulating ourselves.

We may wrongly assume that if we overshare, we may get into ‘trouble.’

We may keep too many truths inside and make ourselves sick in efforts to try and regulate everything on our own.


These are two sides of the same coin. 


They are two extreme sides of how anxiety can manifest ... two sides of unhealthy self-boundaries.

We will often need to play out the other extreme of what we grew up with … until we find our own healthy middle ground.

Until we find the people who can help us re-claim and re-design how to be transparent ... but in ways that deeply honor our self-contained boundaries.

Silvy Khoucasian

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