It makes absolute sense that they ATTRACT.

The roles of both partners can FEEL seductive and eerily familiar in the beginning.

But when things settle in, deeper needs may arise.

The talker may want more SHARING from their partner. 

The listener may want to EXPRESS more.

We are stuck in specific SELF-CREATED stories of ourselves...

...which keep us in our cozy roles. 


We express ourselves through our learned and (thoroughly practiced) way of relating to others.


Those roles feel very NORMAL and NATURAL to us.

How can the quieter partner ask to be more engaged in the conversation without criticizing their partner?

By finding a responsible role in it.


The LISTENER can be more willing to include themselves in conversations and make gentle requests instead of blaming the partner who is more outspoken.


How can the more expressive partner be more present for the quieter partner?

By finding a responsible role in it.


The TALKER can actively learn to slowly take the focus off of themselves occasionally and practice engaging their partner more.


These new attempts may trigger some anxiety as old stories are literally being replaced by newer and healthier patterns in the brain.

Here is some practical language you can use to express your well as ways to appreciate your partner when they are making a noticeable effort.


When your partner has shared for a while in a conversation and you'd like to JOIN and share, you can say:

"I love hearing about you and what you share. Is there anything you’d like to know about me?"

“I really enjoy it when you ask me questions and want to get to know me more deeply."

"It makes me feel very special and cared for."

When they do begin to respond positively to this... sure to verbally thank them for their effort.

It sounds so simple and silly really ... but our partner's don't know what works for us  unless we directly tell them!


Engaging your partner and bringing them out of their shell may feel a bit uncomfortable. 

You may even feel like you are being INVASIVE when you begin to ask deeper questions as you are more comfortable sharing about yourself.


Often times, people that struggle with opening up need to be asked more specific questions rather then general ones... general ones that can make them feel more stuck.


For example...instead of asking them,  "How was your day"... ask them, "What was your favorite part about today?...

...and then, after they answer...

...follow up with more 'OPENING' questions...

"Tell me more..... I love learning more about you."


People that are comfortable with mostly listening, need a little more support opening up.


The more they feel your GENUINE interest...the more they will light up and share.

Complimenting them as they share...or afterwards cant hurt either!

"I find you very interesting."

"I like learning things about you."

You can bounce between the talker role and the listener role and find a flow that evolves and feels fulfilling for both of you.

When you discover new ways of being that feels really good - share that with your partner so they know!!

Setting aside 15-20 minutes a day to initiate these getting to know each other  conversations can create enormous intimacy and connection.

We ALL alternate between both of these ROLES at different times in our life.

Which way of engaging do you relate to more?

Are you more of a talker or a listener in your current relationships?

Which one would you like to practice more of?

I hope this blog offered some new language for you regarding a very common relationship experience. 

Silvy Khoucasian

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