Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
We must remove the barriers that get in the way for us...if we want to experience love and connection.
When we can take an honest look at those things - in a genuine way - we free ourselves to experience that love and connection that every human being longs to feel.
So, in order to remove a barrier, we must do THREE things:
1-WE MUST IDENTIFY IT.
2-WE MUST ISOLATE IT.
3-WE MUST NAME IT.
This particular blog is intended to be a more interactive and engaging one than usual.
I did that on purpose so you can actually feel what happens in your body when you take the action step for yourself.
HERE WE GO.....
I am going to invite you to reflect on one thing that you currently do...
...that gets in the way of you experiencing a deep and fulfilling connection with your intimate partner...
...if you are single, imagine what gets in the way most often with a loved and cherished friend.
We don’t need to go into the WHY just yet.
Let’s start with a simple acknowledgment of what you KNOW gets in the way.
Here is another way to look at it...
...WHAT PUSHES PEOPLE AWAY FOR YOU?
...even if you are only pushing them away...in your own MIND.
For example, Mary would never bring up her upsets to her boyfriend because she carried the belief that she should take be able to care for herself.
She recognized that in order for her to feel more connected to her partner, she had to risk being more vulnerable and open with him - even if it felt uncomfortable.
Another example is Gilbert who would often judge his partner Gina over and over again...in his own mind...and he began to feel worse and worse as his negative thoughts consumed so much of him.
Gil eventually realized that his negative thoughts about his girlfriend were actually a pattern that he learned at young age in order to keep people at a distance - even the ones he loved the most.
This was a way of keeping himself safe from getting hurt - but also stopped him from feeling the connection he deeply wanted with her.
Now, let's move on to you.
Notice what comes up for you personally as you try to answer this.
What do you do that pushes yourself AWAY from your own partner?
Answer this WITHOUT judging yourself for it - we ALL have our own barriers to connection.
...and recognizing our barriers is where we can live out the other side of it - the fulfilling side.
...do you criticize?
...do you judge?
...do you isolate?
...do you shut down?
...do you under-share?
...do you over-share?
...do you withhold physical affection?
...do you feel paralyzed or stuck...and are not willing... afraid to do anything about it out of fear?
...do you feel shame?
...do you feel guilty?
...do you feel bad about having hurt your partner but don't know how to express that pain you feel for hurting them?
...is it simply that you don’t know what the hell you feel but you feel funky and want to call yourself out on it?
Phew - let’s all take a DEEP breath together.
That was A LOT.
...but I really wanted to give you a large range of options so hopefully, you can recognize yourself in the one that speaks to YOU.
They are just examples.
You may have one that is NOT on the list.
Whatever comes up for you as you read through that list - simply write it down.
*Just stick to choosing one for now.
Rather than trying to REMOVE this barrier that gets in the way for you.
...I am going to suggest you bring it out FULLY - during your next argument.
The next time you feel it come up and you feel yourself wanting to pull away from your partner - I’m gonna invite you to NAME IT, instead.
“Hey, I’m feeling myself wanting to criticize you right now.”
“Hey, I’m feeling a little shut-down.”
“I’m feeling like I want to pull away and I don't like that..."
"Hey, I am feeling stuck..."
"Hey, I am feeling shame coming up right now."
...and then see if stating that alone stops you from actually going into that place.
When we can IDENTIFY....ISOLATE.....and put a NAME to our block...it really helps our brain understand what’s going on and moves us back into connection with our partner much more quickly.
You putting words to what is happening also significantly disarms and calms your partner down, too.
It’s SUPER vulnerable.
It really doesn’t get any more vulnerable than that.