I recently wrote an article for the incredible health and beauty company Onna Lifestyle.

Their work is dedicated to helping women (and men) expand their sexuality, their pleasure, and their sensuality.

Below is one of the questions I answered in the article:


SILVY: I think a big part of attracting healthy love is getting clear on what we really need in a partner, rather than just focusing on what we want.

We can want an adventurous partner, but that really may not be the best (match) for us.

Also, if we grew up in unhealthy homes, our brains will go off like fireworks around people that are similar to our family members.

If that is the case, then we can’t really rely on our emotions alone to help us choose a healthy partner.

Giving people who feel more (neutral) a chance can absolutely grow into a deeper connection.

It might not (feel) intense or exciting in the beginning because having a peaceful and loving connection might not be something we have a tolerance for yet.

Also, I suggest spending time getting clear on what (didn’t work) in your past relationships.

Explore what the negative common denominators of your past relationships were, such as what was the deal breakers were or what significant needs weren’t being met.

Then choose 2-3 must-haves around those things and vow to yourself that you won’t budge on those things unless there is some genuine flexibility.

Another important tool is to spend time getting clear on where you tend to shrink or personally struggle in relationships.

Recognizing some of our limitations before we enter a partnership again helps us become less guarded and less defensive when we are the source of pain.

Write yourself a passionate love letter and allow yourself to feel the emotions you want to experience in your future relationships.

I believe that attracting a partner requires a combination of things.

Manifestation and desire work can be extremely powerful when it is paired up with
self-responsibility, and healthy boundaries.

With love,


Silvy Khoucasian

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I think sometimes we overshare because we think that’s what we’re supposed to do.

I think sometimes we allow people to vent for too long because we’d feel like a bad friend if we stopped them.

I think sometimes we continue exposing ourselves to unworthy people because were terrified of disconnection.

We violate our boundaries when we partake in experiences that are at the cost of ourselves.

We can even feel like we are (betraying ourselves) when we do finally recognize our boundaries but continue to violate them.

But what if we had to betray ourselves in order to survive?

What if our caregivers withheld love from us when we stood our ground about something?

What if we were punished or shamed for having limits or needs?

What if no one taught us or modeled how to stay connected to ourselves while we connect to others?

These are all extremely valid reasons why anyone would be terrified of having boundaries.

If you resonate with of this, I encourage you to start gently.

I invite you to honor the magnitude of resistance that will likely be present for you as you begin this practice.

Setting new boundaries may trigger painful feelings from your past.

It can bring up times when your boundaries were (not) allowed to exist.

That is normal and expected.

I am sending you so much love and healing and gentleness as you begin to discover and honor your sacred boundaries.

What would you add to this list?

With love,


p.s. If you would like deeper support around the topic of boundaries, make sure to check out my boundaries program.

Silvy Khoucasian

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I am ethnically mostly Armenian, with a large dash of Arabic and a smaller dash of greek.

My middle eastern culture plays a massive role in the way I see the world.

The people I grew up with have been some of the most generous givers with the biggest hearts you could imagine.

They would make space in their homes and welcome you with enormous warmth and hospitality.

I have seen more struggle on the (receiving) end in my culture.

Every strength left unbalanced can have deep challenges.

Extreme giving and self-sacrifice without healthy receiving can lead to enmeshment dynamics.

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And I am aware that I am generalizing a lot here .. so please bare with me.

In my culture, if we want to ask to receive something, we might go around a topic for an extended period until we get to our point.

We might even have our “elders” handle difficult conversations because that’s just how it was done.

At the extreme end, we might avoid approaching difficult things altogether because of these obvious challenges.

One way I have seen this indirectness manifest is through our discomfort with fully claiming our “hurts.”

It’s not uncommon for someone in my culture to avoid responding well to an apology.

Communal cultures such as mine can cause us to care-take heavily of others .. in ways that rob us of our individuality and our healthy entitlement.

Saying “I appreciate your apology” for one culture might feel liberating.

For others, it might induce shame and confusion.

With all that said, acknowledging that someone hurt us is an act of bravery.
It reveals our vulnerability.

When we continue to deflect the apologies of those around us, we ironically rob them of their vulnerability too.

It sends them the message that we are not willing to feel a momentary discomfort to embrace their gift of validation.

Our culture, our family system, our life experiences all play a massive role in what we have tolerance for.

But we can begin to slowly change and stretch our tolerance.

We can stretch by our willingness to acknowledge why certain healthy behaviors make us feel uncomfortable while we simultaneously hold deep compassion for ourselves at the very same time.

With love,


Silvy Khoucasian

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There’s a fine line between giving people hope and helping people stay grounded in reality.

I’m going to try to offer a balanced approach to this.

Please forgive me if I fail at that attempt or if this is triggering for you.

I get deeply triggered when I see memes like these especially because I am a recovering perfectionist.

I think giving people the message that we can have it all feels like a big fuck you.

It feels like sugar-coated BS to help sell a program or a coaching package.

Sometimes we can have it all.

Sometimes we can’t.

Sometimes we have to momentarily give up one thing to fully embrace another.

Sometimes we have to put our dreams on hold for very valid reasons.

Packaging some words together and feeding that to people feels super irresponsible and one-dimensional to me.

And I get it.

We all need to feel hope.

We need words to inspire us to be better, to do better.

We need to know that there are end-goals worth striving toward.

We want to know that we lived a full life and that we added as much meaning to our lives as possible.

I have been the delivery man of these kind of phrases and have stood on my high horse preaching them a-plenty of times.

But it’s so much more helpful to hear messages that embrace us where we are even as we might strive for more.

It’s so much more helpful to not equate our value by reaching for a collection of externalized checkpoints.

Here is my version of this message for you.

It’s okay if you have to give up some things sometimes.

It’s okay if you have to put your dreams on hold to take care of your kids.

It’s okay if you aren’t in the career you want just yet.

You are loved being single just as much as when you are in a relationship.

You are worthy even if you are struggling.

You are loved even if you are falling apart.

I am all for anything that helps us feel better about ourselves.

I am all for things that give us hope and help us come out of our sadness or our limitations.

I just think it’s very damaging to approach huge topics with such a limited lens.

I think it robs us of our humanity and sugarcoats the real work it takes to have the life we truly want.

With love,


Silvy Khoucasian

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